one day, i will be an extraordinary piano player. i promise.

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time. 

I don’t know when I became one of those people that never seems to have the time for anything or anyone. All this week I felt so wrapped up in classes, clubs, and other obligations that I couldn’t even find the time to do homework, let alone relax. It’s ironic because all summer all I kept telling myself was that I wanted to busy this year, because I like being busy. Keeping busy makes me forget about all the things I don’t like about myself and my life. But this week was just exhausting. Here it’s so hard to find time to spend time with just yourself, to just be alone in your room and watch a movie, or watch tv, or however we choose to occupy our time. As soon as classes ended on Friday, I was with my friends again, which is great, of course—I love my friends, and spending time with them, but then I remember how I’m kind of a loner by nature sometimes and wish that I had more time to spend with myself, just thinking and feeling and reflecting. So tonight when my housemates all went to a movie I chose to stay home. I just needed time to unwind from the week, and I hadn’t had that time yet. At first I felt guilty about it—I felt like I was doing this bad thing not going along with what the group was doing, but I needed the time to relax. In Writing for Advertising, Christ always says it’s important to observe—places, people, and things. But I think that sometimes the greatest observations we make are observations about ourselves. I think that every now and then it’s important for us to think about who we are and what things we like/dislike, what things we need/don’t need, and what things just don’t apply to who we are.

Last night I went to a party with some friends and, after hastily getting dressed and ready, realized I’m not really in my element when it comes to stuff like that. When I’m all dressed up and trying to look my best, I don’t feel like myself, and get really uncomfortable. Usually I manage to have a good conversation with someone, and meet new people, but last night I just felt out of it, and got kind of down on myself. But today helped—going to the Walkway over the Hudson on a beautiful day cheered me up, because nature is where i do feel in my element. Me and a few friends sat there watching all the people (and dogs!) walk by, and I simply observed. And I loved it. I wish we all had more time to spend time in wholesome ways like that—I wasn’t trying too hard to have fun—I just was, taking things in around me and enjoying how I was spending my time.

if you were any more like pete campbell…

So I’ve been at Marist for exactly a week now and I can’t get over just how different everything feels. I feel like living on the other side of campus feels exponentially more like the real world. Every day I’ve had class so far, I’ve come to the main side of campus, killed time there, and have come back at the end of my day—it almost feels more like the high school routine than the college one that I’ve gotten so used to the past 2 years. Except it’s every bit unlike high school because I’m not taking the Q76 home for 45 minutes (Thank God!!) and I’m not coming home to Becky, Dad, Mom, and Toby. I’m coming home to a house full of my friends, my own room, and a bigger house than I know how to exist in. It’s weird because having your own room really tempts you to exist in hermitage, and being on the 3rd floor means that I usually can’t hear anything going on on the two floors below me, which makes me feel like I’m in even more of a bubble than I already am at Marist.

I can’t figure out if I like this adult-like feeling or not. On the one hand, it’s nice because I truly do feel like I’m living in my own little apartment complex in Lower Fulton. But on the other hand I miss the sense of—brace yourselves—community. I mean, yes there’s a bit of a sense of community among Fulton I suppose, but so far it’s just been so quiet, and I miss the sense of community in a broader sense. When I’m on the main side of campus now I feel almost like I don’t belong—like I’m a commuter or someone coming back to visit places like the student center, cafeteria, cab, or whatever it is. But I guess it’s all just part of adjusting. Yesterday all morning/day I had so many thoughts swimming in my head and was so desperate for an outlet to pour them out into. I feel like that would have yielded a tumblr entry of more depth and substance. But life, as usual, got in the way and I had class and then work at poll, and all that stuff. I got home at 11:30 last night which means I was out and about on campus for 12 hours! I barely had time to breathe, but I like it that way. I’ve noticed that the busier I am, the happier I am. I’m a firm believer that thoughts can be very dangerous company and when left alone with only myself and my thoughts in my room, I start to think of things and situations that I wouldn’t have even had time to think of if I was busy with things. So this semester, I’m going to try my best to lead a busy lifestyle. Then I’ll be able to appreciate the breaks more. Kind of like I am right now :)

I can’t figure out if I’m excited to go back to school or not. It’s funny the way this feeling works—it’s like the beginning of summer is great because it’s all new again; we’re hanging out with our friends at home, falling back into the habits and rituals that make “home” home. Then June and July drag or fly, depending on what summer it is. This particular summer, July flew by, almost as if there was never a July at all. Work consumed me for the 5 weeks that camp occupied, and when I think about pre-August summer, my mind’s archives completely skip over july and go straight back to June. But it’s funny—during those 4 or 5 weeks I was working, I spent so much time just wishing I could go back to school. I wanted to live on my own again, to be at my own school, Marist, instead of being what felt like the exchange student of the CampUs staff.

But July is gone now, and work is over. Now it’s August-going-on-September and i don’t know what place I’m in. How is it that the last few weeks of summer are always the best weeks of summer? Everyone’s schedules become free again, allowing all of my friends and I to spend more time together—all together—something that felt like it had been missing throughout a lot of the summer. It was almost like we were all forced to grow up this summer—like it was a test of things to come. We all had our own jobs and our own little lives that resulted from those jobs—lives that prevented us from living the one we had formed together. But then on Friday night we were all able to spend time together in what I’ll remember as one of the best nights of summer. Sitting in John Moss’ lantern-lit backyard while slapping mosquitos off of our legs and discussing eras of the past could define August for me. I’ve always said that August is my favorite month because of the feeling it brings—a combination of longing for the past, contentment with the present, and a desire to move forward. And the air still has a distinctly “summer’ feel, full of warmth and humidity, but every now and then the presence of a cool wind, reminding us that summer can’t last forever, that something new is on the horizon…

But I’m looking forward to what’s on that horizon as much as I’m sad to leave this summer behind. I feel like when I talk to friends, everyone feels one of two extremes—they’re either dying to go back to school and can’t wait to get out of the house, or they just want to stay home. I feel neither of these—I guess the place I’m in is one of acceptance of what my two different worlds have become. I love both home and school, and the people, places, and things associated with each. Sure there are times where I long for one place more than the other depending on the position that I’m in, but I’m happy with both.

I’ll miss this summer, and the idea of summer in general. I’ll miss being able to do nothing and I’ll miss being crazy busy. I’ll miss Gabrielle, Katie, Jeff, Moth, DQ, EJ, and (the presence of, but not really) LMR. I’ll miss Suzy and our life discussions. I’ll miss living at home and my family. I’ll miss whatever defined Summer ‘10 for my friends and me (still trying to figure out if there were particular defining characteristics of this summer the way that Roachland, Esparks, and the SJU roof defined Summer ‘09). I’m sure I’ll figure them out with time, and once I start to miss home once I’m back at school.

But I’m looking forward to Marist. I can’t wait for it to be fall in general. Because fall means pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin spice coffee from the Dyson cafe before class. It means living with 7 of my close friends and all the fun things that’ll bring. It means having my own room that I can decorate however I want. It means being able to see John every day, and spending time with people I haven’t been able to talk to that much all summer. It means “Josh walks” with BT, Chris, and Monica. It means nostalgia for now not only freshman year, but sophomore year as well. Now we’ll look at Foy, Gartland, and Midrise and be greeted with the same feelings we felt upon seeing the “Freshman Village” home to a whole new group of people. It means feelings and experiences I can’t even name yet, because who can really tell what the future brings, anyway?

I just helped Becky out with her research paper on The Glass Managerie/Tennessee Williams. It only has to be three pages! I wish I could be a junior in high school again, though if memory serves, junior year was the hardest. Damn earth science. Give yourself a point, Welita Chua. 

But anyway, I really like The Glass Menagerie, even if the symbolism is painfully obvious and lolworthy. I mean, it does involve *~uNiCorNs~* after all. There’s just something so comical to me about equine breeds in general, real or mystical.

JIM: Aw, aw, aw. Is it broken?
LAURA: Now it is just like all the other horses.
JIM: It’s lost its—
LAURA: Horn! It doesn’t matter… . [smiling] I’ll just imagine he had an operation. The horn was removed to make him feel less—freakish!

-Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie

Due to a resolution to be a better comm major this summer (I just came up with that resolution now) I’ve decided to create a tumblr. The last time I had a public blog, my xanga (meganbabessxo—let’s not go there) it turned into me ranting about my days in ALLCAPSLIKETHIS or calling people “mah best puffins.” In retrospect, I REALLY wish I knew what constituted a “best puffin.” 

But yeah on this Monday night at 8:36 p.m. I figured I’d do something different than continuously refresh facebook, watch 30 rock (my hobby of late) or watch Lost fanvids on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDo_UwE1Hvk&playnext_from=TL&videos=55tEtnn97S8—a great one) 

So, here goes tumblr, I guess…